There is this Greek story about a King who, by cunning and deceit cheated the gods by sidestepping death not once but twice which, having done so, brought the anger of the gods around on himself. The gods were finally able to capture this King, whose name is Sisyphus, bind him and send him to hades where, as an eternal punishment, would roll a boulder up a mountain and upon reaching the peak of this mountain the boulder would roll back to the bottom and Sisyphus would have to start all over again. It is in a way a representation or allegory for the lives that we live today, the daily grind of doing the same thing day in and day out, going to work coming home, the monotony of being bound to the wheel. Back in the forties a philosopher by the name of Albert Camus stated in response to the story of Sisyphus, “The struggle itself … is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy”. For Sisyphus to be happy he must first begin to enjoy his task the only way to defy the punishment the gods placed on him…
To find meaning in life even without being an addict in recovery is a tuff task to handle at times but since I am an addict in recovery deciding on how to place meaning on even the most mundane tasks helps the ennui I get from time to time; It’s dangerous ground, boredom, the number one trigger for relapse and it will peck and paw at an unguarded mind until it wears an addict down. I’ve been on the upward side of recovery for the past three years with such a struggle to rebuild my life anew I’ve been able to outrun my past and boredom hasn’t had a chance to affect me in a major way, but lately my motivation for life has been waning and so I’ve needed to find a way away from these melancholy moments. It’s been two months since my release from jail, I’ve been working my job, taking care of those I love in my personal life, but a few run ins with people from my past that can’t understand that a person can change and has changed; where they treat me or view me as the person they saw years ago as if no time has passed since. It is a different feeling I get hearing about how fellow addicts run into people they used to know and still hold them accountable for what they did while an addict to maintain that addiction and how there is little understand with even less leniency to an addict who is in recovery; to then be that actual addict in recovery and experience it firsthand... These delicate situations we find ourselves in trying to abstain while the disgust of others gets piled on top of an already impossible situation is one that has driven many an addict back to using, but to actually be that addict in recovery and have that scorn and resentment of others’ ignorant disgust focused on me, it damages the delicate tendrils of hope I so cling to. I understand it’s not up to others to try and understand the plight of those who chose the life of drug use, but at least understand that people can change especially if it’s from using to not using. One won’t see such drastic changes in another human being like that of a user becoming a non-user it’s a truly marvelous sight, but because there is the possibility that there might be a lack of compassion and belief in the real recovery of an addict, its up to the addict in recovery to shoulder yet another burden from past days that depending on the length of recovery may at times blind side some thinking those days are far behind. It’s a burden I gladly except, not just for the fact I know I still have a debt to pay to society and an added personal debt to myself, but it’s also because I know that the burden of addiction itself is a weight immeasurable, how to be free from the use of drugs and all of my other addictive behaviors I would take on the weight of everyone on this planet in exchange to remain sober and focused. I view those moments as if I’m dealing with a child who hasn’t yet grasped the understanding of object permanence, how when a child doesn’t view something in its immediate sight it thinks that object no longer exists or in this case changes while out of sight, and to have patience and understanding for the ignorance that some are so proud to display, is no one else’s responsibility but mine to accept. It’s my life and how I engage with others is my responsibility, I am the one who believes in me, the only one who matters who believes in me. But now is when the truth of life sets in and that is where I find myself debating my place in it; what is the point of what I do and why continue on? After the excitement of being free from all substances has abated, my time in jail done – there was a drive before jail, a misbegotten notion that I may not have to serve any time at all that kept a level of excitement and encouragement looped in my mind to motivate me in ways I’ve never been motivated before but now that that is gone I find myself lumped in with everyone else – my status as a citizen although diminished to some extent is still one I am trying to rebuild and maintain. I find myself at a point I don’t recognize, the idea that what I just accomplished, the week that I just had, I will have to repeat hundreds of times, thousands of times and in that dawning of what life is really like, this immense mountain looms before me and I must continue pushing “My” boulder up that hill. The question is will I be able to smile, will I be able to be happy in order to appease myself and thwart that punishment the gods cursed me with? Yet an even more pressing question: how will I be able to survive and smile in the face of not just the struggle with life but the more difficult struggle I face and that being the one with myself. I am my own eternal punishment; my addictions are the boulders I push up the mountain I’ve created from the dregs of my life and out of my past relations with others, that is my eternal punishment, as they only see me as I was and not as I am because of what I had become and the actions I took in the name of addiction. I can’t expect anyone to view me any differently than how I have treated them in the past, recovery is fine and great but it’s also a time to face the truth that life won’t be a fairytale to live out the rest of my time here on this planet in. I have been the god of suffering to others, the god of pain and destruction, my chaos has been cast on others by my own hands and to complain that another is unfairly treating me, an addict in recovery, with open arms is yet another illusion best to wake myself up from now before the struggle overwhelms and tipping points happen without compassion or mercy. I am glad I am in charge of me and that I take on the burdens of “Me” because I know no one else can, I know no one else would want to and here I am first in line to accept my rock and I am eager to make my way to my mountain with the biggest smile on my face and the beating of a joyous heart in my ears, this I was born to do, to face my struggle and enjoy it.
